The Reality Is…

April 25, 2020

Alright, friends, I've got some REAL life emotion for you today - it's not for the faint of heart.

I have no idea what day of quarantine we are on, only to say that it's WAY too many days for me. In other words, I am really struggling.

If you've been here for very long, you know that I'm an extrovert, meaning I refresh and renew by being around people. And, in case you have been living under a rock for the past 2 months - NO PEOPLE! In all seriousness, I am on meds for my rheumatoid arthritis that suppress my immune system, so I am going NO.WHERE. NO. PLACES. Not even the grocery store. I've been out like 3 times, in the car with a mask and gloves to do "stay-in-the-car-and-drive-thru" errands. That's it.

I have done all the "things" I can do to keep from going crazy - I have a morning routine, I'm studying my Bible, I'm praying, I'm exercising, I'm cooking all the things, reading all the things, watching all the things, cleaning out all the things, ALL THE THINGS.

And, I have done pretty well up until about 10 days ago. Then, I could just feel myself slipping into this "will-I-ever-get-to-go-to-Target-again" and "do-I-still-have-any-friends" mode.

And, before you make a judgment, I am NOT bashing or even questioning the quarantine. I get it, I believe our leaders and medical professionals are doing the very best that they can to protect us and I support ALL of their efforts - efforts to stop the spread of the virus, efforts to restart the economy, all of their efforts. Truly, I do.

I'm involved in several Zoom groups and have tried talking to a few friends about how I'm feeling, but most of the time people just smile, like,

"Isn't she cute? Isn't she funny?" Except, I'm for real...

This last week, several things have happened that have made me very sad, compounding my feelings of...quarantine funk or whatever you want to call it.

Yesterday, one of those sad things happened - my brother's beloved dog, Sutton, died very unexpectedly. Now, some of you may think,

"Oh, come on, big deal!" No, it IS a big deal to a lot of us and it sort of pushed me over the edge. I cried almost all day yesterday, couldn't sleep last night, then have been shaking most of the day.

Now, here's the thing: as a Believer, I know EXACTLY what to do when I'm feeling blue or anxious or fearful or worried, I really do. As I said, I'm studying the Bible every morning, first thing, I spend time in prayer, praying over my things I've written in my prayer journal. All day today I've been PUMPING worship music, and I'm a little calmer, but I'm still really struggling.

You see, God gave us all a personality and when I say I need people, I NEED PEOPLE! I need to laugh, cry, argue, dream, confess, shop, eat, hang out with people. It's a REAL, REAL thing, guys. I read what's happening with everyone on Facebook - all the "homeschool" stresses, etc and I just want to reach out and say,

"HEY, I'LL TEACH YOUR KIDS! BRING 'EM ON OVER! YOU'RE DOG'S GETTING ON YOUR NERVES? FINE, BRING HIM, TOO! CAN I DRIVE YOU SOMEWHERE? DO YOU NEED TO BORROW A MASK? COME ON OVER!" And so on, and so forth, you get the idea.

And I'm definitely NOT making light of how hard it is for you guys to have to work from home, teach your kids at home, do both at home or stay home from work and all the financial stress that brings! I KNOW this is stressful for ALL of us in SO many different areas. The isolation is just where it's hitting me the hardest and I feel like some people don't really understand how hard that part of this is for us extroverts.

Now, why in the world am I telling you all of this? Well, first of all, I just needed to get it out. Writing is very therapeutic for me; getting my feelings, thoughts, dreams out, even just on paper or online, helps me a lot. So, there's that.

But, most importantly, I wanted to make you aware that, even though YOU might be OK hanging out for what seems like YEARS at your house, doing whatever, some of your friends ARE NOT OK! I promise you, I'm not the only one feeling this way. And, if I can experience anxiety like this, knowing Christ, knowing His spirit lives in me, giving me strength, then anyone can!

So, PLEASE check on your extrovert friends, guys! And, look, please don't lecture them or make them feel ashamed for being upset or make them question their faith. I truly believe if Jesus could be here in the flesh, He would have been crying with me yesterday, wrapping His arms around me today, and just listening to me and saying,

"Hey, I get it; I was isolated, too, and it's SO HARD! But, you know what? You and I together are gonna make it!"

See, Jesus remembers we're only dust and sometimes we just need to believe that someone understands and someone cares. Jesus is ALWAYS that person for all of us, but it's nice when you've got some humans that can be there for you, too.

Whew, I feel better already, guys, thanks for reading and letting me vent! By the way, we ARE gonna make it! Pray and ask God who you might need to reach out to today - I promise, it makes a big difference!

and above all else love