All Those Times I Asked, God…
September 16, 2024
I love a good murder mystery, I really do. And, lately I've really been into the British murder mysteries. I dunno, there's just something about the frosty, 70-year-old grandma that comes out in her wellies, her head scarf, with her small gardening shovel, prepared to show the police where the bodies are buried. The firm, upper lip, with the "I just did what had to be done..." attitude - it just works.
Now over the past few months - heck, the past two years - I've had a significant amount of time to watch TV, read, yodel, online shop, and other activities left for the semi-bedridden, and one of my favorite British murder mysteries has become Midsomer Murders - a place my husband swears to never visit. (How do they even have any people left living there? Everyone's been murdered!) There's like 24 seasons of this show, the episodes are about 1.5 hours long and the writing is really good. Also, the landscape is beautiful, the old cottages and castles, charming, and the accent and lingo are so quaint. My favorite episodes are in Series' 1-3, where Tom Barnaby is the main detective inspector, teaching his younger detective Gavin Troy, the ropes.
There's this one episode where this woman dies in a particularly gruesome way - gosh, this is weird to write about - and Troy goes to look in her car, but Barnaby stops him. He pushes Troy away from the car and says,
"No, you don't need to see that."
Such a simple line, but it got me to thinking...
Probably eight or so years ago, I was teaching in a small, Christian, university-model school that I just loved. As is often the case in small schools, I was ultra-involved, I was good at it, I was respected, I adored everything about this job. And, I knew God was asking me to leave it.
I knew God had something different for me, something new, something a little frightening. It was exciting to think about, and I'd gotten my feet a little wet doing it, but give up my job for it, this job I loved? Hmmmm...
So for a while I did the, "I can do both. See, God, look at me!" thing. I was convinced this was a great compromise. Yeah, me compromise with God, what a good idea, Sherra...said no one, ever.
I just kept arguing with God, "Look, how do I know this is really you? I'm ministering, you know - I mean, I work for a CHRISTIAN school, after all!" To which God finally replied one day,
"Yeah, you're doing such a great job in your own strength. You're a great elementary school teacher, you love people, your a hype girl, I get it. I'm not questioning your talents and abilities - I gave them to you, yo! But, aren't you ready for more? Aren't you ready to see what I can accomplish in you only through MY strength and YOUR willingness?"
Yes? No? What's the right answer? Well, all I can tell you is what my answer was:
"OK, show me, God. Show me how all this works and turns out. Show me my life in one year, or better yet, how about three to five years. I just need to make sure this is really You." (Which is code for, I just need to make sure that I THINK this is right for me, that I'll be happy, etc. Pray for your girl, K?)
Well, God never did show me, but He messed with me until I finally quit my job. Around this time I felt like I needed to do a topical Bible study on an ugly, little word called suffering (1 star, do not recommend - it's a trap!) The main thing that I learned through this study was that if I truly want to know Christ, I have to know Him in His suffering. Philippians 3:10. Dang.
This finally brings me up to July, 2022, when my health and well-being took a nosedive. In the past two years, here's what's gone on in my life:
caretaker of elderly parents
chronic pancreatitis
colon cancer
treatment for colon cancer
type 3c diabetes (due to pancreas failure, like type 1, 4 insulin shots/day)
death of my father
recurrence of cancer
executrix of father's estate (OK, those know me, no, I do not have this skill set, as it turns out, but executrix sounds like a super hero thing, yeah?)
three surgeries to remove cancer, ending in permanent colostomy
Y'all. My breath catches in my chest, just typing all that! I didn't ever have time enough in between each crisis to heal from the previous one, they just all rolled together and have made for a very raw, weak, sad, pained little Sherra. And, I may NEVER fully understand why God allowed it all to happen the way it has or at the same time that it has. Now, I've had SO much support - a fantasticly wonderful and loving husband who has taken the best care of me, other family, friends, amazing doctors - but Guys, it has been so hard.
Yep, there's lots that I don't understand, but here are some things that I DO or have come to understand:
See, if you're like me, you want to know - I just want to KNOW, God! And sometimes He shows us and sometimes He doesn't because He wants what's best for us, He knows what we can and cannot handle. He chooses protection over revelation sometimes to protect us from "what we don't need to see."
He just wants us to trust Him with it all.
and above all else love